Back to my roots (in which I wrestle with God and find my way home)...

 Ian and I the morning of his eleventh birthday (September 2014)

 Lily and I at the Creation Museum (August 2014)

God and I had been doing a bit of wrestling over the past year. No one around me would have noticed. In fact the only ones who knew were the ones to which I disclosed the details. The ironic thing was that I didn't even know that I was fighting God. Well, not completely. I did know that I was living with a lack of deep peace. I felt that something wasn't quite right. I just didn't feel content.

So by now you might be curious as to what I was fighting God about. I guess if I was reading this post on your blog, I would like to know.

Well, did you ever want something really desperately? Like, you prayed and prayed and trusted and trusted that it would be given to you because you felt deeply that it was within God's will for your life?

I prayed like that over eleven years ago, after giving birth to my first baby. Oh, how I longed to be at home with him. I desperately desired to quit my nursing job and raise my baby. Then almost three years later, I gave birth to another baby, and that desire only grew. I felt like I was missing out on so many special moments and memories. And the hours when I was at home were short and stressful and filled with busyness just in preparation to do it all again the next day.

And I knew deep in my heart that God wanted me home with our children. He wanted me home making our home a sanctuary, a place of refreshment and peace. And I also knew that God granted the desires of His children's hearts if they were in-line with His plan.

But my husband wasn't on board.

We had just built a house and had a mortgage. We had two car payments. We had school loans we were still working hard to pay off. And we had the cost of living and raising kids. We had quite a few financial obligations.

I wanted to nag my husband. I wanted to ask him over and over to reconsider. I wanted him to agree that I should be at home.

Yeah, but none of the nagging, bugging, questioning, pressuring, etc., worked. In fact the only thing it did at all was cause tension.

So I stopped. And God spoke to my heart. I knew He had that for me. I knew that He called me to be at home.

God spoke to my heart to be patient and let Him work. So I stopped nagging and started praying. A lot.

And though Brad didn't say anything, God was working on his heart.

When Lily was a month short of one, I was working two part-time nursing jobs and feeling quite torn and miserable. I felt like I couldn't give my best to my role as wife and mother or as a nurse. I did my best and worked my hardest doing both, but it was such a conflicting time in my life. Maybe I'm an all-or-none kind of girl, or maybe this is just what moms who desire to be at home struggle with in their minds.

One night after work, I was standing at the stove preparing dinner. I was tired. I had just started my second nursing job and was still in training. I was stressed about learning to work in a different environment, getting to know new colleagues, etc., etc.

Then something crazy happened.

I don't remember anything but the stove and the skillet with ground beef I was browning and the words. The words that just about knocked me off my feet.

"You should just quit your jobs."

Huh!!!!???

And so that was how God changed my husband's heart and granted me a desire of my heart. A desire to stay home and raise my children. To care for our home. To care for my husband and support him.

Yeah, I was pretty impressed with God.

So what does all of that have to do with my wrestling match with God in the year 2015?

Everything.

Over the years, I had lost my desire to fulfill my calling. I was bored with the constant chores and tasks that come along with being a stay-at-home mom and wife. The endless, boring, over-and-over dishes and laundry. And homeschooling. I loved it, but it seemed to take up way more time than I liked. And kids home for 24 hours a day? Well, the house was never clean because we were here all of the time. I was always picking up messes and breaking up arguments between the kids.

I was worried, like a lot, about whether or not I was doing enough with the kids in our schooling. (I know this is something almost every homeschooling mom deals with, but the worry was real.) Thankfully, I had some pretty awesome homeschooling friends who reigned my worried mind back in from its fear-filled escapades.

And then there were my personal hobbies and desires. All good things. My business. My ministry opportunities. My relationships.

But I just wasn't happy that I didn't have the time to commit to these things because I was too busy with homeschooling and doing other motherly things. (Yeah, this  is where it gets ugly and embarrassing.)

I was starting to look at my calling (something that I once felt great joy and accomplishment in) as a burden. It was holding me back from pursuing my business. There was a ministry opportunity that was presented to me, but I didn't have the time to do it, because I homeschooled my kids. (And it was a position that I have dreamed about doing for many years.)

Oh, I was so miserable and discontent.

And I was feeling annoyed, irritated, rushed, and desperate.

Then we started a study at our ladies' Bible study about our position in Christ. And I was reading through Ephesians which talks a lot about our benefits as His children.

And then God began to show me things.

He revealed to me how I had been butting heads with His will for my life.

I wanted one thing, but He had something else.

There were many good things I was pursuing, but I was making them idols in my life. Instead of putting them in their correct position in my mental list of priorities, I had put them pretty high up on the list, higher than they should have been.

He showed me that I was looking to the world to find my identity. I was trying to do this or be that and make a name for myself because it's nice to feel important.

But then there's that verse in the Bible that says that the last shall be first and the first shall be last. (Matthew 20:16)

The world has it all topsy-turvy. Because it's ingrained in our minds to be the best, be known, succeed, make a name, sacrifice others for our own benefit and advancement.

It was my "AHA!" moment. That's why I had been so unsettled and discontent. I had been basing my worth on worldly measurements, and I felt that I was falling short. And I was envious of others who were somehow succeeding. And I was upset that I didn't have the time others had to advance themselves or their business.

(See why I said that this was all very ugly and embarrassing? But it's the raw truth.)

Since that great revelation (cue the angel voices!), God's been wooing my heart back to His. He's been infusing me with a sweet peace and contentment as I invest time in His Word and refocus my mind and life on my calling.

I'm feeling happy and light and excited about what I'm doing here at home and with my kids. He's giving me a joy again regarding my position as a wife, mother, and woman of God. He's reopening my eyes to how all of these little jobs I do around here bless my family and delight Him.

It's wonderful. I've missed feeling this way.

So, I'm still maintaining my business. And I'm still serving in the various ministry positions He's put me in. But they've been put in their rightful position and have been brought into submission. They don't rule my life anymore. And, honestly, He's really shown me that my main ministry right now is to my family, my children. But that's a whole other blog post, my friend.

So my many words serve a purpose. If you're wrestling right now, stop. Run back to Him. Embrace Him and ask Him to help you to come back to your first love (Him.) Ask Him for peace and contentment with where He's placed you at this time. Friend, it's the best place to be. It's the place of peace and joy and contentment. And those things are so much better than fame and success and earthly treasures. 

Dear Garden (A Love Letter of Sorts)...

My Dearest Garden ~

You've been so generous this summer. Supplying an overwhelming amount of broccoli, green beans, zucchini and cukes. And now you're springing forth bright green stalks of delicious sweet corn and an abundance of juicy red tomatoes. I see the green and red peppers and the round heads of cabbage tucked in their little rows.

 

And there's always a bowl-full of your many wonderful red tomatoes sitting right there on the kitchen counter, free to any hand (big or small) who want a taste of the juicy fruit. You have filled our plates to heaping with the fruits of your soil.

And speaking of tomatoes, your crop of tomatoes will soon be turned into many jars of yummy, organic spaghetti sauce, hopefully enough to last until next year's harvest. (I'm so partial, you know. Nothing from the store compares to what your tomatoes make.)

 

And as your rich, organic matter continues to feed and nourish, more seeds will take root right there in your soil ~ late summer plantings of Swiss chard, lettuce, cilantro, and maybe spinach?

Then there are the stalks of popcorn (yes, real popcorn right off the corn stalks) and the various breeds of pumpkins planted in late June (keeping my fingers crossed that they're ready in time for fall.) The things that you can grow really amaze me.  

But, dear garden, I really must begin to think of your care come this winter. Oh, I know. I really do want to avoid this, but cold weather isn't good for you and the cold weather will come, just as it always does. But my little research has given me some ideas regarding crop covers (here and here), and I see oats and field peas in your future. You know, to keep you warm and covered and nourished. That way you'll be full, healthy and ready come spring time. (We must always plan ahead, you understand.)

Yes, dear garden, you have been good to us this year. Despite the heat, despite the limited rain early on, you have done good. And my heart really does pitter-patter when I look out my back door and see your abundant gift.

And, of course, all thanks and praise for this glorious abundance goes to the Creator of the soil, the earth, the green plants that burst from the ground.

Because He Never Leaves You (And Always Has Good Things for Your Life)...

Life can be hard. As much as we'd like for everything to be candy-coated sweet and easy-going all of the time, that's not reality.



And in my struggles with anxiety and depression, I have struggled many times with wanting my old self back. My pre-anxiety days when I didn't feel limited by anything.

And during those really hard, ugly days when it took everything in me just to walk out my front door to get the mail, I had to cling to the truths in God's Word or there was no hope.



And one of the things that brought me comfort even in the midst of severe depression and anxiety attacks was that God was always with me, always watching over me, always providing for me. During those times of feeling so alone, so hopeless, so weighed-down, knowing God was always watching over me and caring for me and healing me (even when I didn't necessarily feel His healing power) kept me going. My hope in God, my faith in Christ is what pulled me up out of that pit and is what continues to keep me persevering even when I struggle with it now.

And as much as I hated those days of deep depression and agoraphobia. As much as I don't want to go there again, I do know that those times were times of deep spiritual growth for me. When I was so deep in a pit of despair and depression that I felt my only hope was found in God and my only comfort was in His Word, those were the times that grew my faith by leaps and bounds.

He does nothing for naught. All that He allows in His children's lives is for their good. And for His glory.

I am stronger than I used to be. Not stronger in my own human strength. But stronger in my faith. And that's what is most important. Not being independent, but being fully dependent on God. The giver of all good things.

And so I can see how God, my loving, Heavenly Father, took a situation that was awful and horrible, and He is making it into something beautiful.

Something that has drawn me nearer to Him than I've ever been.

Something that He is going to use to help others who suffer from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

Something that He is going to use for His glory and His kingdom.



Because He really does make all things beautiful in His time.



A big thank-you to Dayspring who sent me these beautiful reminders to have in my home. I am very grateful.

You can purchase these items as well as many others for 25% off during Dayspring's July sale. Everything on Dayspring's website is included in this sale, including clearance items! Ends July 31st!

I received these items for free from Dayspring in exchange for sharing my story. Affiliate links included in this post.

Taking the plow to the ground (spiritually)...

 

Sow for yourselves righteousness;

Reap in mercy;

Break up your fallow ground,

For it is time to seek the Lord,

Till He comes and rains righteousness on you.

Hosea 10:12

Those times will come. Those times during which the believer, she must take the plow to the ground. The ground of a hard, independent heart.

Maybe it is...

A heart that has turned from her Savior to chase after the wind of the world.

A heart that has busied itself with much but little of eternal significance.

A heart that has been disappointed and feels broken into a million little pieces over disappointments and hurts.

A heart that is suffocated in fear and anxiety and depression and just can't feel the warmth of the Son anymore.

A heart that has been walked out on, left feeling lonely and afraid for the future.

A heart that is holding onto bitterness and resentment.

A heart that is living in envy, jealousy, and covetousness.

A heart that feels betrayed and frayed in so many places.

Sisters, we are all vulnerable to the hardening of our hearts. And we will all experience times of testing and disappointment and hurt and fear and the list goes on and on.

But the Father knows this. And He has compassion on us.

And He never leaves our side even though He feels so very far away during these times.

But He is there.

Waiting.

Waiting for you, for me, to turn back to Him.

To seek His face and seek His righteousness.

To break our hard, infertile, fallow ground and find our everything in Him. Him alone.

And He will come.

And He will rain His righteousness down upon you. Down upon me.

Because He loves you.

He wants to be your everything.

Because you are His everything.

Scratching the Truth into the Sand...

A young boy of eight etches a giant cross in the sand with the words, "Jesus died on the cross so we cold {could} live."

And it begins to evoke stares.

And the mama's heartrate quickens with the first person who stops and stares at the son scratching the words of Truth into the sand.

Will this act of evangelistic art call for a mama to defend her son {This mama who so detests confrontation?}

But then the observer comes again with his wife and she looks. And she leans over to the young son and says, "Young man, that is very nice."

And the young man freezes in embarrassment and hand-wipes a few words clean. This is the humble, quiet child from my womb. And this unintended attention makes him squirm with discomfort.



And even though the tide will eventually wash away this visible reminder of Christ and His love, even though many feet will trample and the wind will fill the etchings with sand, the Truth of the message can never be destroyed.



And the simple cross with its profound message carved into the sand by the fingers from the flesh of my flesh fills me.

And my heart bursts with gratitude for a son who isn't ashamed of His Savior and His life-giving sacrifice and knows the source of his life. And for the message this young child reminds his mama of, a message she truly knows but often forgets the sheer magnitude of.



Yes, Jesus did indeed die on a cross.
And, yes, He did it so that we all could indeed live and live freely and fully.

The Art of Homemaking - Making Our Lives Beautiful

As keepers of our homes, we have an opportunity to bring beauty into our homes and into the lives of our family members and anyone else who graces the thresholds of our homes.

As someone with a creative spirit, I appreciate this aspect of homemaking.

It's about seeing beauty in the little things. Searching with eyes open and ears tuned until the beauty is found.

Beauty in the common, ordinary things. Because it is absolutely necessary to slow down long enough and open our eyes wide enough to see the beauty that lies within the common. Skim back the mundane and dig deep into the soil of extraordinary. Little hidden gems from the Father that are available to those who breathe deep and slow enough to find them.

A vase of field grass and wildflowers picked by little hands.

Freshly cut lavender from the garden and its calming, nostalgic scent.

An old family heirloom, a crazy quilt pieced together in 1924, now hanging on an old chippy white quilt stand.

Ave Maria playing softly in the background, bringing calm and peace through the beautiful notes that were spilled forth onto paper so long ago.

A basket of cookbooks, the pages full of nourishment for the beloved family.

Little hands mixing up the flour and sugar and eggs.

The gift of growing our own food. And the beautiful diversity of the tastes and smells of those foods.

A new passion strummed out over the strings of a guitar.

A stack of handmade, crocheted coasters.

 

A boy's wild imagination wrapped up in the pages of a page-turner.

A stack of freshly washed bath towels, stacked up neat.

A pitcher full of last year's hydrangeas from a dear friend's garden.

A sink full of warm, sudsy dishwater.

Gleaming wooden floors that smell clean and feel smooth under the feet. (Oh, this one rarely happens so it's a true gem when it does!)

Beauty is around us. God gives it to us to inspire us, to motivate us, to invigorate us. God's creation is full of beauty and creativity for God is the Father of creativity after all. Look at what He's made. His creation exudes beauty and diversity and color and art.

This is how to find joy in the midst of the mundane. This is how to find beauty in those tasks that have the tendency to be boring and routine and dreaded.


We look for the kernel of beauty that exists in it. Each of our tasks as homemakers has that gem hidden somewhere in it. We must look for it. And then the mundane is no longer mundane.

God is the One who plants that desire for expression in our souls. He is the One who plants the seed of creativity and art in the soul. And it is a gift that He gives to us to share with those around us.



So we can look at our homemaking as a way to express that art. The art of home. The art of making our homes beautiful expressions of His gifts to us. And these gifts are not the ones that line the shelves of the local home store. These are the gifts that line the shelves of our heart, that mean the most to us, the can be seen only with a little digging and work.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

 He is the fount of every blessing!

James 1:17 - Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.



Linking up here...

Far Above Rubies
Time Warp Wife 
Growing Home