Wednesday, August 13, 2014
busyness, depression, suicide - my thoughts
I've been a bit short on words lately. Busyness tends to do that to me. It pushes my mute button. I go into a sort of robotic routine, and it becomes difficult to piece together any sort of meaningful words. Oh, they're there, in my mind, and they mostly come to me in the shower when I don't have paper, pen, or keyboard to record them. (Why do my greatest thoughts come to me while in the midst of a shower? I have realized that it is probably because that is the only time I am by myself and in relative quiet. I may need to invest in some of those bath markers for children so I can jot down notes.)
Our garden has been a bit of a flop this year. Perhaps it's from the extreme amount of rain and the chilly fall-like days we've had all summer. We lost all of our squash and eggplant. The zucchini and cucumber harvest was pitiful. In fact, I find myself planning a trip to the farmer's market just so I can have produce to make pickles and jam. I am very thankful for the green beans and the tomatoes which should be ready in another week or so. That's how it is with raising your own food. There are good years that produce more than enough. And then there are years when the harvest is smaller and not sufficient. But we do what we can, and fill in the gaps with what we can find from other local farmers.
I can't help but just speak a few words regarding the apparent suicide of Robin Williams. Yesterday, I found myself angered after reading this blog post on the Matt Walsh blog. I'm admittedly not a devoted Matt Walsh reader, but I have read some of his articles in the past and found myself agreeing with him. But it both saddened and angered me to read his post regarding depression and suicide. I found his article to be extremely insensitive and misinformed. I know the dark depths of depression. I know what it feels like to feel like there is absolutely no hope.
When I am experiencing a depressed episode, I can't think straight. I'm not myself at all. I'm totally disconnected from all that is around me. And it's not because I want to be. Goodness, how I cry with all of my mental energy for deliverance! It's an uncontrollable mental prison that shackles my mind and renders it helpless. It's not a choice. It's not situational. It's unpredictable and vicious.
And that was why I found Matt Walsh's article so incredibly insulting. I won't deny that there is a spiritual component to depression. There is a spiritual component to everything. But I would never choose depression. I would never choose suicidal thoughts. I would never choose darkness and oppression.
So that's where I found him to be wrong and insensitive. When I heard about Robin William's suicide, I felt empathy. And I felt a heart ache that only those who have suffered with clinical depression could have.
And, yes, I am soooo thankful that I have Jesus. And, yes, without Him and His hand on me, it's hard to tell where I would be right now. Would I even be here?
So, I beg the church... Don't discriminate. Don't speak harsh words. Don't pass your judgments. Don't act in a haughty manner, thinking you know everything about everything because you have a degree or read the Bible everyday.
Because that only pushes those of us that suffer with depression into a deeper anguish.
I'm open about my dealings with mental illness because I decided several years ago that it is a vehicle that God has given me to reach out to others. I didn't choose the illness, but I do choose to surrender it and my life to my Father and let Him use it for His glory.