The Silence of Depression

I've been putting off posting because I didn't feel like I could go on and pretend like everything was normal and status quo when it really was not. I like this space to be peaceful, beautiful, and welcoming to my readers, but I must post this because it is part of my life right now.

Many of you may know that I have struggled with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression for the past four and a half years. During that time, I have had really great mountain moments but also a fair share of cold, dark valleys. 

And, frankly, this summer has been one of the dark valleys. 

Not because of situations really. Stress and busyness probably add to it. Being ill for five weeks probably most definitely contributed to it. But mostly because I have a real, medical chemical imbalance that causes my mind and body to feel depressed, exhausted, anxious, and panicky.

I've written about my struggles with anxiety and depression before so I'm not going to really do that right now. 

But I want you to know why I've been so silent.

I've been pushing through, distracting myself with garden duties, preserving, and my crochet business. And distraction is good, not because I'm ignoring it, but because it enables my mind to work at focusing on something that is good and productive.

I sometimes feel frustrated that it's been so long. I never would have thought I'd be dealing with it for almost five years. I thought (and wanted) a quick cure from God. I wanted to wake up one morning and all of the negative thoughts and emotions be gone. I prayed for that.

But, you know, that's not what God had (has) for me. 

He has spoken so many times to my heart that He has this season for me because it is preparing me for His will. I have no idea what purpose it is. I have moments when I just ask Him to show me what the purpose is, because then it would be more tolerable.

But that's not how faith works. 

He wants my full faith and trust in Him when the path looks dim (even pitch black) because He wants me to learn how to have peace and joy even in the midst of trial and to rest fully on Him.

And I just keep getting this feeling that He's up to something. He's preparing my hands and feet for battle. 

And so I've decided to make "Stand Firm" my motto during this season of my life. I want to rest in Him, yet stand firm in His Truth. He is Truth.

And I may not always feel like I can even stand. And there may be times when I don't even believe fully or trust fully (too many times, I'm afraid.) But I know that my Jesus helps me in my unbelief, and I know that there is still power in speaking the words of Truth even when I'm flat on my face on the ground in disbelief.

And so that is why this space has been so quiet lately. I've been spending extra time in quiet with my Lord, seeking Him, sinking His Truth deep into my heart, thinking upon eternal things. 

Pity or sympathy is not what I seek. I share because I want you to know the real me. Yes, I cook and craft and garden and crochet and knit and homestead. But I also cry and doubt and fall and struggle. It's all me. 

And I also write this because if there is even one who reads this who also struggles in this area that I struggle in, I want her to know that God sustains her even in the heavy dark when she feels like she's falling apart. I want her to know that her struggles have purpose and will produce fruit when she gives them to God. I want her to know that she's not alone. Feeling alone is horribly lonely and distressing. But you, dear, are not alone. And neither am I. So hang in there with me and our Father.

I pray that we would all fully experience the abounding and immeasurable love and grace of Jesus.

Blessed be the LORD, my rock,
  Who trains my hands for war,
  And my fingers for battle;
My lovingkindness and my fortress,
  My stronghold and my deliverer,
  My shield and He in whom I take refuge,
  Who subdues my people under me.

Psalm 144:1-2