Monday, June 13, 2011

My Reality...

Can I share with you a stark moment of my reality? Please?

(As much as I LOVE to fill this space with photos for you all to enjoy, I felt that this post warranted words more than images. Pray that you don't mind?)

Some of you have commented to me, wondering how it is that I do all that I do. I was just talking to my lovely aunt from Texas, and she voiced the same question. And, point blank, I'm wondering if I've given you all the wrong impression.

My house is certainly not in pristine condition; it is always in lived-in condition. I do try to keep it clean and organized, but, rather, I often find it annoyingly cluttered. There are days when I feel the grumpies right below the surface just waiting to pounce because I feel like all I ever do is clean up messes.

My dear husband and I have a wonderful, blessed relationship, but it's not a perfect relationship. Just yesterday we had a misunderstanding. And we've had many before that, and, yes, there have even been times when we've had full blown, I'm-not-talking-to-you arguments. However, as I've grown in my faith, I've learned how to better deal with misunderstandings and arguments so that they usually do not get as heated as they did when we were in our earlier years of marriage.

My children, much to my dismay, can be lazy and unmotivated. They complain and, boy, can they be BIG whiners. I have high hopes for them, but often times I feel like the things I've tried to teach them have gone completely unheeded. However, they are learning to behave and be respectful, and I realize that chiseling out those sinful tendencies are all a part of my job as a parent. I also realize that being responsible and polite does not come naturally to a child, and so it is my responsibilty to model that and teach them how to be those things.

And there are days when I myself feel lazy and unmotivated.

Days when I don't hold my tongue as I should, and I spout out all kinds of mean, hurtful words.

There are days when I feel kind of hopeless because I take my eyes off of Him, my only lasting and true hope.

And there are days when the anxiety rides so deep inside of me that the thought of getting behind that wheel and even going to the local store, makes my mind race. And then the frustration of this "thorn in my flesh" washes over me.

And there are days like today when I feel so blessed, having just spent 40 minutes in the Word with my dear husband before his departure for work, and yet I still feel a little down and slightly overwhelmed.

So, you're not alone in your ups and downs. There are days when I feel energized and alive and happy. Then there are days when I feel heavy-laden with fear and stress.

I know that God doesn't want me to live in a state of fear and stress, but I know He understands my struggles. After all, Christ lived in this world. He knows the sinful state of this terrestial ball we call Earth, and how this sinful world often threatens to pull us down.

That's why we should find such great comfort in Hebrews 4:15 ~ For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin.

Boy, is that good to know. Did you know that Christ felt every feeling you feel? That God's Son experienced hurt, sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness, temptation, fear? And He willingly subjected Himself to these emotions so that He could relate to us and intercede to the Father for us with full passionate understanding????!!!!

Can we honestly think that Jesus felt no fear in the Garden of Gethsamane, knowing that in moments He would be arrested and be faced with unbelievable torture and pain. Why would He ask for the burden to be removed (if it was His Father's will) if He wasn't afraid? And His utter loneliness is shown in His pleading with His disciples just to stay awake and pray with Him.

Mark 14: 32-36 - They went to a place called Gethsamane, and Jesus said to His disciples, "Sit here while I pray." He took Peter, James, and John along with Him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death," he said to them. "Stay here and keep watch." Going a little farther, He fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from Him. "Abba, Father," He said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what You will."

And oh how horrible and lonely He must have felt when His Father had to turn His back on Him during the crucifixion when He was immersed in the fullness of His people's sins, past present, and future.

So, yes, Christ understands us. And He was willing to suffer for our sake, so that He could understand us and how this world can make us feel.

Oh, Jesus, glory be to You! How You love Your children! You left Your perfect, pristine, heavenly dwelling to dwell in this fallen world so that you may experience what Your children experience and bring them full redemption. I praise you, Lord!

So on days like today, when my depression and anxiety are threatening to show their face, and when I'm feeling a little blue despite the beautiful blue sky, I choose to grasp on to the fact that Christ knows how I feel. And He understands. He doesn't condemn me, but rather He sits at the right hand of His Father, interceding for me.

Jesus, I love you. And I'll be forever thankful that You do not expect me to be perfect. You just expect me to dwell within You. You want the best for me, but You are understanding of my weaknesses and limitations, my fears and inadequacies.

And You're loving enough to want to use me despite all of these things, knowing full well that Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Really, Lord? You really desire to use me because of my weaknesses? Oh, help me to fully grasp that, Lord! But until I can, I can only fall on my knees in praise and thanks!

Have a most blessed Monday, abiding in Him...


Monica said...

Amber, I too have these days, my home sounds much like yours. Thank you for your openness and honesty! And your words of encouragement! We will keep up the fight for our children and our homes until the day the Lord returns! Blessings to you!

Wendi said...

Oh, I have my days too! My home is like yours lived in. I try to contain the clutter to only one room. Boy does it need some attention! I try hard to be happy and content, but it doesn't always work. I am glad that you shared this because it is good to know that I am not alone!

TASO said...

I surely relate to this as well. Why so blue in the middle of Spring? This has been my most recent struggle as well. Usually the culprit for me is exhaustion. I grow so tired of keeping my chin up and constantly doing work that never seems to ever get done. Your candor has helped me keep my own struggles in perspective, so thank you for sharing! I know I'm not alone, but it sure is nice to hear another speak with the same sorrow and the same joy and hope! Praise His name indeed!

Marne said...

Great post, Amber. I often feel that moms never share how hard things can be raising their kids. Too many women put on a smile and pretend that everything is perfect when in reality, they are just as stressed / lonely / anxious / overwhelmed as the next mom. Thank you for being an inspiration as always!